Friday, July 25, 2014

Straight Lady Love

The following are a few hilarious anecdotes about the responses I elicited from several women when I shaved my head. I interpret this as different from the "you're so brave" compliments because the admiration went a little above and beyond.

The first night we were out (like RIGHT after I shaved my head on a 3). I bumped into a woman at the bar - probably about 25 and clearly giddy with mild inebriation. As a reminder, here is what I looked like:
As I moved from one seat at our high-top table to another this girl at the table behind us grabbed my arm and pulled me to her table. She had two shots on her table and asked me "Do you like fireballs?" I said sure and she gestured to them, "Do a shot with me!". Um, okay? so we did shots together and laughed about nothing and I told her I had just shaved my head but I wanted it shorter. She complimented me and I turned back to my table. About 45 minutes later I noticed that everybody at her table had left and she was there alone. I swiveled and asked her where everybody had gone. She said her Boyfriend had "gone home because he had to shit - is that a thing?!" and the other guys had gone outside to smoke. She then bodily pulls me from my stool and tells me we're going to the bar to get seltzers. "Won't that be fun!?" I'm really not sure about people's ideas of fun these days but sure. I also really don't like seltzer so I tried to ask the bartender to give me regular water but alas could not get my request in on time. So now we're both holding big glasses of seltzer and she turns to me "You are so sexy" Oh, thanks. "No I mean you're like the sexiest person I've ever seen. your hair is so bold and you look so hot. I mean really." I keep thanking her and she keep professing for a solid 10 minutes. During that time she is getting closer to me and about halfway through starts touching my arms and my neck and then rubbing my head and caressing my face. Finally I ask "Are you into women?" She smiles and says emphatically "Oh no - I'm SUPER hetero. I love my boyfriend. It's just that you're like the sexiest human being alive." So I don't make any move, I stick around for a few more minutes until the guys smoking outside call her cell. I migrate back to my table and wave as she leaves.

Fast forward a week and I'm out with some college friends at a historically gay bar, the stonewall. The Bouncer mentions as she checks my ID that she loves "a super fem girl with no hair - god it's a sexy look" I had on a dress, stilettos, dangling earrings and mascara. We check our bags (required on friday night) and head upstairs to the dance party. I'm busy exchanging eyes with a girl across the dance floor when another girl approaches me. She opens with "You are SO beautiful. I'm here with my boyfriend and I'm not into girls but I just had to make sure you knew. I swear that you're the most beautiful human being I've ever seen." I thank her profusely and listen patiently as she tries to make absolutely certain that this has gone to my head, as if I'm not arrogant enough as it is. When she finally retreats I look around and my friend with the eyes is gone. Jeeeez. Thanks, straight girl.

Then a few days after I posted my shaved head picture on OKC I got this message:
I look at her profile - straight. Oi. I've never gotten a message like this before.

On the same note - We were in Forever 21 the other day and I was trying on a skirt - I went to get it in a different size and as I was striding back toward the fitting rooms there were two women (~40 years old) directly in front of me standing in the fitting room entrance as I approached. One of them was transfixed. I'm not kidding: just had her eyes locked on me with her mouth slightly agape. I would have written this off to zoning out. But as I got within a few feet she she blinked and blurted out "God, you are beautiful." Apparently now my presence gives religious experiences - maybe I can head a cult! This was not the skirt from the story but this is the only photo I have from that day:

No comments:

Post a Comment